No “Bad Vibes” Allowed: The Downside of Positivity
Yes, I’m a positive psychologist. And yes, I’m an optimist. But believe me. Anything can be harmful in high doses. Take ice cream, for example. Ice cream is delicious, especially on a hot summer day. It can be soothing, cooling, fun. However, too many scoops of that creamy deliciousness can leave you feeling bloated, over-sugared, sluggish, and for those who have lactose issues – sick.
Positivity is like ice cream. Feeling good feels good. When we feel good we want others to feel good. But forcing someone to feel good when they don’t is like shoving ice cream in their face when they’re full. Too much of anything can be harmful.
While cultivating a positive mindset is a powerful coping mechanism, “toxic positivity” stems from the idea that the best – or only – way to cope with a bad situation is to put a positive spin on it and not dwell on the negative. It results from our tendency to undervalue negative emotional experiences and overvalue positive ones.
However, it’s important to make a distinction between “positive thinking” and “positive feeling.” How we think about our situation and how we feel about our situation – although closely related – are not the same things.
In a culture of “toxic positivity,” negative emotions – like sadness, anxiety, worry, rejection, and disappointment – are seen as inherently “bad” and if you have them, there must be something “wrong with you.”
It’s a problem because our authentic emotions are denied, minimized, or invalidated and can result in emotional suppression or pathological self-doubt. It creates pressure to appear “ok” and grateful “no matter what.” Which can be insensitive, invalidating, and frankly inappropriate.
Toxic positivity appears to be a form of backlash from the “Good Vibes Only” movement – a celebration of positive emotions and the “law of attraction.” Although well-intended, it may have backfired, especially under the current circumstances.
During the COVID-19 pandemic, we are all struggling to deal with a situation never-before-experienced – and we are all going through it at the same time, but not all of us are going through it the same way.
During times of adversity, we rely on whatever we can to cope. But “looking on the bright side” in the face of tragedy or dire situations like illness, homelessness, food insecurity, unemployment, or racial injustice is a privilege not all of us have. Promulgating messages of positivity denies a very real sense of despair and hopelessness that may only serve to alienate and isolate those who are struggling.
We can internalize these messages and blame ourselves for feeling bad or having a hard time. Judging ourselves for feeling pain, sadness, or fear can lead to shame, guilt, or anger which amplifies our distress. It’s actually counterproductive because we end up just feeling bad about feeling bad.
The root of toxic positivity is emotional avoidance, a maladaptive coping strategy used to push away or minimize any internal distress. It stems from having what’s called a “low distress tolerance,” which is the inability to sit with discomfort. Fortunately, distress tolerance is a skill that can be learned through things like meditation, exercise, therapy, and yoga.
Toxic positivity can take many forms: It can be a family member or friend who criticizes you for expressing frustration instead of listening to why you’re upset. It can be a comment to “look on the bright side” or “be grateful for what you have. It can be a meme on social media that tells you to “choose happiness.” It can be a friend who repeatedly posts how productive they’re being during the lockdown. It can be our own self-shaming for feeling sad, anxious, lonely, or afraid.
Instead,
1) normalize and label your experience: It’s normal to be anxious, adaptive even, during a pandemic.
2) Take the pressure off: Remove the expectation and goal of feeling positive – all the time.
3) Journal to self-reflect and better understand what you’re feeling and why – you’ll be better able to see a solution (if there is one).
4) Basic self-care helps too: Exercise, Sleep, Connect, Laugh, Get creative – practice being in the moment.
5) Limit news and social media consumption. Period.
In our “fix it fast” culture, we have to recognize that sometimes there is no “fast fix.” That doesn’t mean the problem won’t get fixed, it just means it might take more time and effort than we’d prefer.
Know what might help in the meantime? (A little) ice cream.
